Friday, February 23, 2007

What a fantastic way to start the weekend...

From the myspace blog of a total stranger (http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=23256106&blogID=233447644 ) comes

Chuck Norris

Factoids

  • When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.
  • Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.
  • Chuck Norris uses redhot lava to moisturize his skin.
  • Chuck Norris invented the apple.
  • Chuck Norris built Mount Everest with a bucket and spade.
  • Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.
  • Chuck Norris does not have chest hair, he has millions of highly venomous nematocysts. You have virtually no chance of surviving the venomous sting, unless treated immediately. The pain is so excruciating and overwhelming that you would most likely go into shock and collapse a split second before getting hit in the face with a roundhouse kick.
  • Chuck Norris can chug a gallon of milk and not throw up.
  • Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.
  • If you get roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris in your dream, you DIE!
  • Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.
  • Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.
  • Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.
  • Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow.
  • P is for Chuck Norris, as is every other letter of the alphabet.
  • Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.
  • Chuck Norris' paradise is war.
  • Chuck Norris is capable of photosynthesis.
  • Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised. EVER.
  • Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.
  • Chuck Norris can lick his own elbows. At the same time.
  • Chuck Norris can kick start a car.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
  • Chuck Norris wrote an autobiography....it was just a list of everyone he has killed.
  • Einstein's original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.
  • Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.
  • As seen in Sidekicks, Chuck Norris can climb a rope with one hand, and one hand only.
  • Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat.
  • Chuck Norris can MAKE water run uphill.
  • Chuck Norris can hold Puff Daddy down.
  • The moon is actually a comet that was once on course to hit earth... then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it into orbit.
  • Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.
  • Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully load gun and won.
  • The only reason the color pink still exists is because Chuck Norris is color blind.
  • Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
  • Chuck Norris isn't afraid of Urban Legends, he is an Urban Legend.
  • Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf using a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sun dried tomato. He shot a 54.
  • On the Asian market, Chuck Norris' urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce.
  • See spot. See spot run. See spot get round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.
  • Niagara Falls is the result of one of Chuck's legendary cannon balls.
  • Chuck Norris sneezes electricity.
  • Chuck Norris performs colonoscopies on himself.
  • If you were killed by Chuck Norris, your tombstone would read RIP, ripped into pieces.
  • Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life.
  • You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.
  • Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident....and still managed to walk it off.
  • Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.
  • Chuck Norris invented the corndog.
  • The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain.
  • Chuck Norris' agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.
  • Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
  • Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
  • Chuck Norris believes the hype.
  • Chuck Norris CAN in fact stop the beat.
  • When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
  • When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.
  • Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.
  • Chuck Norris delivers more male with one thrust of his pelvis than the U.S. Postal Service and the Pony Express have combined for the last 146 years.
  • Chuck Norris wasn't born with feet, just boots.
  • Chuck Norris won a pissing contest against a Russian race horse.
  • When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.
  • Chuck Norris floats like a butterfly and stings like a tomahawk missile. At mach 3. In the face.
  • Chuck Norris can dribble a football.
  • Chuck Norris' IQ can be expressed simply as a sideways eight
  • Chuck Norris is a stunt double for Optimus Prime.
  • Chuck Norris was once asked to repeat himself. The last thing that person ever heard was the wooshing sound of a roundhouse kick.
  • Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
  • Chuck Norris had his tonsils removed with a chainsaw.
  • Chuck Norris digs graves with a shoe horn.
  • Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
  • Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  • Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
  • The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
  • Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
  • Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
  • If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  • Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
  • When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
  • The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
  • Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
  • CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
  • Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
  • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
  • Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
  • What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
  • Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
  • Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
  • A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  • Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
  • Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
  • If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
  • Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
  • The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
  • Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
  • Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
  • Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
  • Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
  • Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
  • Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
  • Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
  • Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
  • In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
  • Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
  • Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which
  • Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
  • The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single
  • Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
  • In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  • According to the Encyclopedia Britannica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
  • Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
  • Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
  • When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
  • There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
  • Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest.
  • Chuck Norris won by 5.
  • Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
  • Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

Today's things to be happy about: Never being on Chuck's bad side, funny people, Technorati blog searches, Fridays, Indian food and blue highlighters...

Happy Feb23 folks! Here's to a great weekend.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

I wanna go to Bora, Bora...

I think two weeks in a bungalow that is out over the ocean blue is well worth 6 grand... WELL worth it! Now I just wish I had an extra 6K laying around. SOMEDAY!

Boy, do I need a vacation, and I don't think Chicago in March will do it! Poland will be cold in April too, AND it is work - so that doesn't count! May can't come fast enough GoodTimePals!

Sorry, I promise to write more soon, but that is all for now.

Happy Feb21 folks!

Today's things to be happy about: Understanding why all those people are walking around with grey smudges on their forehead, looking forward to a night without plans, diet root beer, being "good" sore from a nice workout, out-of-control "Staff-All" e-mail chains, and the sun making an appearance with weather above freezing!




Monday, February 12, 2007

Monday, Monday...

Can't trust that day.

So, I made the switch. I am officially "in." I have "the network."

It was a very tough decision. Why? Because they all drop calls. They all suck. So I went with the more expensive provider, because I was tired of the dropped calls and the people I talked to swear they don't get dropped calls in this area. Everyone did, however, tell me that the customer service sucks... and I can now attest to that.

"Welcome to the customer service line, can I help you."

Yea, I want to transfer my old number over to here. can you please help me with that?

"Great maam, we can definitely help you with that."

great.

"Tell us the number etc, and we'll get this going for you."

ok.

SO, It's all finished and the lady says "This looks great, this should switch over in 24-72 hours. Can I help you with anything else?"

No

"OK maam, have a great day."

From this conversation, I got the following: We did it, thanks. Have a good day.

5 days later (because of the weekend I gave it a few days extra), my phone number still hadn't transferred over. So I called again.

"Welcome to the customer service line, can I help you."

My number hasn't transferred over and it has been 5 days since I called last.

"Lemme check on the problem maam... It looks like you never finished the process. We need you to do this one last thing."

OK, why didn't anyone tell me this - or maybe call me to let me know there as a problem? I've been paying for two bills for 5 days now.

"I'm sorry maam, and can give you a $20.00 credit to cover that... and we'll fix the problem now."

fine, let's do it.

"Just follow the prompts, and you'll be fine. Have a great day."

A few prompts come, and the little techno woman says "Sorry, we don't recognize your number, have a great day." Then she hangs up.

EFF.

I had to call back, AGAIN. Finally this woman fixed it, but three minutes later, my phone got a text message that said "Please call customer service at your earliest convenience."

I really didn't want to, but I did. In the meantime, the stupid 2 week old phone I purchased BROKE - so badly that the final customer service agent suggested I bring that in-person to a store.

I have yet to do that, but assume it won't act up when I get in the store and they won't believe me and the trauma will continue. Damn the phone people. Damn them.

As a side note, I have gotten called "maam" way too much lately. People, I am 28. This, combined with the first ever need-to dye because of the grey hairs occurring last week, is very traumatic for a young woman. Oh yea, and it's valentines week. Lovely.

Today's things to be happy about: land lines, no dropped calls, a good hair dye and cut, being called "darlin'", and candy hearts that say "page me."

Happy Feb12 folks!

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow...

I lied. Don't let it snow. Eff the snow. 6 inches in about 5 hours in Ohio is insane. Not to mention straight through rush hour, which happened to begin at noon today because of the all-out snow panic. (Please note: I did stop for milk... and Cookie Crisp. I didn't want to be "snowed in" without them. Priorities!) As expected, the grocery was frantic.

So I got home around 3:30 because work told us all to
leave (nice.) I shoveled when I got home, because I knew more snow was coming and shoveling 6-9 inches was harder than 2-3 inches a few different times. (I was using my noggin.) Not to mention at 3:30, it was 9 degrees, and I knew later in the day or tomorrow morning it would be 0 degrees, which is way less fun to hang out in and shovel.

Then around 5:30, I looked out and decided it was time
for round two. Here is the before image:
So, like any good shoveler... I started at the garage door and worked my way out of the house to the curb. pushing all snow to the sides, not the street. It went pretty fast. WHY? Well, because I am good (obviously) and because it was 9 degrees and I was getting snowed on (duh.) So I finished it in like 30 minutes. By the time I finished, however, I had to shovel my path back to the garage. See below:


Yea, so then I threw salt. That worked well. See below:


And here I am now, back online, with another 2 inches outside, looking harder for vacation packages, and pre-heating my heating blanket for a long winter's nap!

Happy Feb6 folks!

Sweet dreams... of warm weather and scuba diving...



PS - - Bob, please excuse the delay... I was shoveling. Here are the 6 normal things about me...
1. I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else.
2. I hate traffic and stupid drivers.
3. I love to people watch and point out bad behaviors, hair issues and 80s clothing to make me feel better about myself.
4. I have some debt.
5. I have a great group of friends, and family is important to me.
AND last but not least... number 6. I enjoy meeting new people and making new friends - on here, and in "real life"...

Aren't those all pretty "normal" things?

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Back to regular programming

I mentioned that I would get back to this later in the week. My Number 3 life Path said,
"In love, you inspire and enchant your partner.
You are often an object of fantasy and desire."
Really? Come on. As a single 28 year-old woman in Ohio, if I really were "often an object of fantasy and desire," I would expect these folks who feel that way to step forward and be acknowledged.

My luck the fantasy has something to do with me organizing or TLC'ing someone's house while they are on vacation with Cindy Crawford. Or, yea this is it... when they pick teams for sports and have to take a girl, they desire to have a girl that can play on their team.

Sure, I get the whole inspiring and enchanting my partner thing, but "love" has been a while at this point... so I can't remember if it is true. I'm not looking. It's too much work. I'm happy anyway... but seriously, if these people exist, they should come forward to claim their "prize." p-hahahahahaha

Happy Feb3 folks!

PS - I do also acknowledge that no one would ever admit it after reading my last post. I'm not worried anyway, since those kind of crazies don't exist.

But I do know if they did, it would be my luck that they would find me. :)