- Free presents. You pretend you care if we're naughty or nice, but somehow all the meanest little kids in my class ended up with cool shit - even if they ate glue, put boogers on people, spit in little girls hair, or were bratty little tattle tales. (And I can remember being a little naughty recently, and I think I've gotten some good stuff because of it, let alone in spite of it! A-hem.)
- Fat and happy. In a world where anorexic is idealized, you provide an imaginary place where it's okay to smother your face in whole milk and cookies - at least one night a year.
- You embrace little people, both young and old. Kids get free stuff and support, while height-challenged folks in the North pole are able to support themselves through your Elf Employment Program (EEP, for short. Um, I mean...)
- Fear factor. No matter how many slimy kids like you, there's always a few who'd rather see the doctor for 42 shots then spend two seconds in your lap for a picture. Why? You're kinda creepy. Let's face it. It is for instilling this fear of strangers in a few un-knowing children that we again love you!
- Ho, Ho, Ho. Somehow you get away with calling all the shady ass moms out there derogatory names, and they just let their kids repeat you. It's a fantastic thing. I seriously thought hard the other day where this may have come from, and so Wikipedia it is...
This morning, the local YMCA had a "Santa" that looked remarkably like the Santa shown above. I'd rather not put my 8-month old nephew on your lap, sorry! We'll go downtown, to see the good one, even if I have to pay for the picture! I know that not many people want a bunch of snotty little brats sitting in their laps, but maybe we should make sure they don't have a record and their fake beard covers their real mustache, so the kids don't start asking questions! We love you Santa, but send us a decent fake for the pictures please!
PS... All I want for Christmas is a Bengals Superbowl win, and a ticket to the game would be nice too! Oh yea, and a real good man, preferably who also is fond of #1 above!
*</;-)
HO, HO, HO... Merry Christmas everyone!
12 comments:
I think I need a man like santa
Yea, every lady dreams of a creepy bearded man in bright red slithering down their chimney, eating all their food, bringing them "presents" and leaving before morning!
Wait... part of that could be true! Except he's doing it for all the neighbors too. Can you say PLAYER?
Santa sounds like a perv to me. Watching little kids sleeping.
Yea, and there's that too Dan-O!
My Boy would probably pee in Santa's lap. Then again, I'm sure that Santa will have peed in Santa's lap. Both are good reasons why I have yet to bring him to the fat red guy.
My daughter and I watched an episode of PowerPuff girls last night where Santa was morbidly obese and kept saying "check it" like Ali G. It was great. By the way, I am also a "horse" in the zodiac (but not 28 years old!) and a tomboy. The similarities astound!
Come on, you know you want to sit in Billy Bob's lap.
DD: If he didn't, it would probably still smell like it.
jlee: Gotta love those little superhero types. And yep, the similarities are pretty funny!
AML: Sitting in men's laps and dirty old men's laps are two VERY different things.
All I want for Christmas is a Bengals Superbowl win.
Hey, even Santa has his limits. (Just teasing.)
Oh Dan, after this weekend... I agree!
The Bengals will win the All Mugshot Team.
(Sorry ... couldn't resist ... and I'm a Vikings fan, so I really have nothing to brag about ...)
That was a cheap shot. The like to have fun, and are not all that bright...
I agree though. It's quite ridiculous.
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